Conversations with my Mother – Part 1
Firstly, let me tell you, that my mum is amazing. She is a kind, generous, intelligent and independent woman, a phenomenal mother, superb teacher, and sometimes, she says the most stupid things.
Here are some of the conversations I have had with my mother. It’s labelled part 1, as I thoroughly expect her to come out with some more in the future.
I wake up one morning to a text message from my mum saying “People keep raping me and I don’t know what to do?” So I call her……
Me: Do you want to explain that last text message you sent me?
Mum: People keep raping me
Me: No, try again and explain properly
Mum: Well Louise said I’m being raped because I keep getting loads of emails from facebook and I’m not even going on there!
Me: Ok mum, the term is fraped, not raped, fraped, and you’re not being fraped I’ve just been using your account
Mum: Oh ok
Me: Please stop telling people you’re being raped
Mum: What’s it called again?
While teaching my mum how to play Monopoly
Me: Do you want to buy a hotel (for Mayfair)
Mum: Yes please
Me: Ok, that’s £2000 please
Mum: (hands over cash and I pass her the little plastic hotel, she looks at it and is not impressed) I’m not paying £2000 for that, give me my money back!
Mum: You got one for only £250 why do I have to pay more?
Me: Because my hotel is on the brown properties, it’s cheaper because you don’t get as much rent
Mum: Well I’m not paying that much for one that looks the same as yours, if I have to pay more I want one that looks posher
Me: They all look the same
Mum: Well give me my money back then I don’t want one any more
While walking through Halifax town centre
Mum: Let’s go up this street, I haven’t been up here for a while and there might be some new shops
Me: There’s a new porn shop up here
Mum: Don’t you be going pawning anything you never get what it’s worth!
Me: Not that sort of pawn mum
Mum: (shocked) Really! Ooh I’m not going in there…..
Taking my mum to Carphone Warehouse as she is due an upgrade on her mobile phone
Me: The tariff with 100 minutes will be enough
Mum: NO! Claire no, that’s not enough I text REALLY slow
Me: What? Minutes mum not texts
Mum: Yeah text minutes, that’s not enough, it takes me ages and I send loads
Me: TEXTS! Not minutes, you don’t get a time restriction on typing texts
Mum: Oh! Ok
(She also tried to pay with her Tesco Club Card)
Finally getting hold of my mum on the phone after calling her for over a week, and sending her a text announcing that I was going to kill myself, which still got me no reply
Me: I’m removing you as my next of kin
Mum: (sounding like she’s going to cry) WHY?
Me: Because if anything happened I would be dead for weeks before you’d bother reading a text or picking up any messages! If you can’t answer your phone or learn how to access your voicemails then I need another next of kin who will. With you I’d be dead for weeks before you got the message.
Mum: (now crying) But in my heart I’d know!
Me: I’m changing it to Jason, he can tell you if I’m dead.
Offering me a sweet
Mum: Do you want a voice tablet?
Me: No, I don’t like the taste
Mum: You’ll like these they taste different
(looks at the packet)
Me: Is that because they’re bonfire toffees?
Mum: Oh shit I picked up the wrong bag!
Finally getting hold of my mum on the (house) phone (again) after not answering calls or texts for 3 weeks
Me: Oh you are alive then, why aren’t you answering your mobile?
Mum: I’ve checked my phone and there are no messages on there! I’ve been checking it every day!
Me: Look at your phone now, do you see a triangle in the top right of the screen?
Mum: No. OOOOH!!! But there is an airplane! Oh I didn’t know I could have an airplane, how did that get there????
Me: Right, you’ve put your phone on airplane mode, that’s why no one can call you and texts aren’t coming through
Mum: I’ve not done that! I didn’t even know I had an airplane!
Me: Just press the power button, and then tap the airplane to make it go away
Mum: I’ve never touched that airplane before you know. Oh, it’s gone now. Oh wait! Ooooh I’m getting lots of texts…..
Discussing a show I watched with Karl Pilkington in it
Me: It was really funny, he asked if dwarves have knees
Mum: (looking confused) Well do they?
Mum telling me what happened when playing a guessing game with the girls from work
Mum: So I said to Louise, you know what it is, becaus you’ve had loads of them
Louise: I don’t know
Mum: A one night stand!
Louise: (shocked) I haven’t had loads of them!
Mum: Yeah, I used to have them all the time too
Louise: Do you know what a one night stand is?
Mum: Yes, it’s when you have just one date with someone but then that’s it
After I flew a plane for the first time, I thought I would call my mum and tell her
Me: Guess what I’ve done today?
Mum: Oh Claire! You’ve got married haven’t you?
Me: What? No! I flew a plane, but thanks for pissing on that bonfire
At a Halifax RLFC match
Crowd: The referee’s a wanker, the referee’s a wanker!
Mum: What are they saying????
Me: The referee’s a wanker
Mum: Oh that’s awful, they shouldn’t be saying that
(10 minutes later when the ref made a bad call)
Mum: THE REFEREES A BLOODY WANKER!!!!
While watching my mum type out a Microsoft Word document
Mum: (screaming) Right, that’s it, I have excellent grammar and I do NOT need you to put capital letters and numbers in on my behalf!
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